Trigger Warnings: Suicide, Depression, Self-Harm

No seriously. I will be talking about such topics. Please approach someone for help if you are struggling with these thoughts. If you’re in the US, call 1800-273-8255. If in another location, use this link to find the respective hotline for you.

June 2018 Recap

As the last day of June ends, I’d like to recap on all the crazy things that have happened. I’m choosing to keep these monthly recaps as short as I can, so some details will be spared. If there was something that really captured my attention/heart, I’ll give it a dedicated post if I have yet to do so. Let’s get on with it!

 

One of the first things that happened in June was my attempt to stop my bad sexual habits. I managed to get to 10 days, and caved. I really tried, but I guess it just means that I need to rely more on God. I’m planning to retry this soon, although I know that now is the best time to do it.

Next up would be the people I met on OkCupid. It’s a dating site/app, I know. I met 2 girls; Sidney and Bridget. Bridget texted me out of the blue, so I was kinda shocked when that happened. She’s cool, but the nerdy kind of person. There’s a wild side to her, but it seems it’s done in moderation anyways. I’m talking about her first because…

Sidney. She’s a catalyst for me breaking the 10 day streak. I managed to go 5 or so days after meeting her. I need to cut off her influence. She’s having sex with a friend for fun, goes out drinking. The way she lives her life is what I’d like sometimes too. I know it’s against what I’ve lived with so far and what I’ve been taught. But we are all human. However, it doesn’t justify it.

I’ve gotten some girl stuff too. The acceptable ones are my new shoes. That’s because they’re sneakers/whatever you call Nike’s or Adidas-Boost-type shoes. What’s not acceptable is the makeup and underwear I now own. I shan’t go into more detail.

After all that negativity, here’s some good news instead. I’ve started serving in the Helpdesk ministry in my church. In fact, I’m serving tomorrow too. It’s always a great opportunity to serve in church, and I miss that feeling.

I’m also now a government certified school camp instructor. I just held a camp yesterday, and I’m keeping that for a separate post. It was too good and really emotional.

 

And that’s pretty much all for June! It’s not the end of the tunnel, we’re only just beginning.

Today is a new day.

I say this with a headache, pain in my heart, and conflicted feelings. But I know the road set before me. From this point on, there’s no sugar coating. No lies, and only truth. It’s things I’ve struggled with, but also things I’ve overcome. Get ready for a wild adventure that I put myself into. Nothing here is held back. This is my safe place.

 

For a few years now, I’ve been struggling with relationships. I’ve been affected a lot in the past by it, but after a while, I kinda felt it wasn’t right. I was a teen then. But now that I’m in my 20’s, I get the urge to want to be in a relationship with someone. That actually happened last year, but it was only for a week, and we didn’t actually do anything as a couple. Not a thing. No date, no special texts, no nicknames, none of the romantic stuff. And after that ended, I wanted more of God than at any other time in my life. The relationship failed because I wasn’t loved romantically. It was sibling love.

However, this isn’t the true struggle. The real struggle was the fact that I would not find a relationship in church at the time. So instead, I went looking elsewhere. I don’t have many friends outside of church, and that meant I had very few options, namely, finding them online. I turned to dating websites and apps. I went through countless profiles searching for someone to be with for a short while. I’ve had no luck. That’s when my brain kicked in, and I decided to do something I regretted. I put myself up online for sexual acts. It didn’t feel right, but my brain was going mad. I don’t know why I didn’t turn to God. I wish I did. I’ve had 2 encounters, both with men. I felt like trash. For a while, I couldn’t think properly. I’d like to think I had moved on. But instead, I made a friend on one of the dating sites.

She’s just another girl on the outset, but as we talked, I began to realize who she really was. She was sexually active, she was into cross-dressing and the trans community, she was into feminine guys. For all I know, she could’ve been the snake in my Garden of Eden. As we talked, I began to open up about my life and let her in. When that happened, I agreed to some of the things I might never have agreed to otherwise. I opened up the possibilities of smoking, drugs and alcohol, along with sex and the like. Though I’ve not smoked or taken drugs or had any form of sexual encounters with her, I have gone drinking, which is my next point.

 

We went out and expected to drink a bit, probably a cocktail and a few beers. But oh I was so wrong. We started off with a cocktail each. We then went to another place and had another. After that, we went to a club and I had a beer, and 4 shots, while she had a shot. As if that wasn’t enough, we went to another place and I had 4 shots while she had 2. We’d probably could have called it a day. But no. We both got one last shot each. I had 12 drinks, she had 6. I ended up tipsy and you could’ve said I was drunk. Funny enough, I was very conscious of what was happening. I worried for a bit that I might pass out or become very unwell. I got home safely. I did become sober before reaching home. I had a headache the next day, but that’s the least of my worries.

The next week, THIS WEEK, I got stressed out and fell a bit into depression. Yes, I have had a small history with it, but I come out stronger every time. This time, I didn’t fight it with my usual ways. I went to drink. Not as much as before, but since I wasn’t with anyone, I sat for really long, meaning that I could get drunk real fast without knowing. So 3 drinks and that was it. I went and got a few normal drinks to flush it out, and by the end of it all, it did feel better. But it’s a shame that I’m resorting to this to relieve myself. Every now and then, I’d want to go and grab drinks, but it’s a really expensive lifestyle. I can’t do that when I haven’t got a stable income.

 

I’ve eluded to this earlier that I’ve been open to sexual acts. This is the biggest struggle yet. Big words here. For a good 8 years, I’ve been constantly in this loop of masturbation and pornography. It’s something that has taken over all this while. I’ve not been able to get proper help, partially because I don’t bring this up. Now it’s here in the open. I wish that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. But even if I don’t see the light, I know God’s with me on this one. I need to lean more on Him. And it’s so hard when my friend has this promiscuous lifestyle. It hurts.

 

This is why I’m conflicted and there’s pain in my heart. The things I want are fighting with the things I need. What I want to do, I don’t; what I don’t want to do, I do.

^“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Romans 7:15-20 (NIV)

Paul is right. I have the sin nature in me. But I want to be stronger. So God, help me; lend me Your strength.

I wish I knew why I’m having a headache. I took a Panadol earlier today. Still hurts. Rest probably would help. I need to stop sleeping so late. Coffee was a bad idea. But I’m thirsty. Enough with the rambles.

 

Heal my heart and make it clean; open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I have for Your Kingdom’s cause.

As I walk from earth into eternity.

And I will call upon Your Name.

It’s close to 4 in the morning and I can’t seem to sleep. So I’m back to the habit of writing posts when I’m sleep deprived. I guess there’s just a bit too much on my mind.

Consecration. The action of making or declaring something sacred. Setting apart. Making holy. To which it hurts. But the fact of the matter is that you have to give up to go up. I must give up my worldly dreams to go up and take charge of what needs to be done. The needs of the greater outweigh the needs of the few. 

Setting aside my craft is going to be a huge deal. Musicians dream of having their music performed on a global stage, but my dream is for my music performed on the stage for One. It doesn’t matter if no one else listens, but it matters if God is touched by it.
But I feel that I shouldn’t stop there. Having His presence for me sounds selfish of me. It’s like keeping the presence all for myself. I want to grow to a higher level. One where not only myself can be touched, but others too. To be able to bring others to His presence is my ultimate goal.

Speaking of the presence of God, I feel more in tune with Him than before. Just by saying “God, You know my heart” is enough to bring it down for myself. But I know this isn’t my end. I am not content with bringing it down for myself. How can others be impacted by a serving for one? This really captivates me, and it is my goal to be able to bring His presence down for more than just myself.

And I will call upon Your Name,

And keep my eyes above the waves.

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace.

For I am Yours, and You are mine.

Nobody said it was easy.

I want to mark today as the day I change it all. No longer will I be on the sidelines. No longer will I stay behind the scenes, picking up after people. It’s time I rise up. Building upon what SPs have shared, I’ve got to give up to go up. And I think for myself, what I’m giving up, is something that would be my heart’s dream: to be able to play for huge audiences.

 

Although there is nothing wrong with the dream, I think there is a bigger dream to live for; one with significance tied to it. I’ve tried justifying myself by saying “This is influence so that God can touch these people” but that is not how it works. I will consecrate my craft, to be set apart, holy, so that I will be able to bring the presence of God easily. None of this is for my glory. I don’t do this for a prize on earth, but for a prize in Heaven.

 

And I know that this is not an easy road. However, I am convicted by the sharings of my leaders, and by what God has spoken to me through them. I will flee my temptations and fight my cravings. I will press on even if there is no one beside me. I know that with God, nothing will stand in my way.

 

With this said, I pray that God will lead me down the right path.  If He doesn’t follow me down a certain path, I would not take it. Because it is with Him that I have my successes; that all the glory belongs to Him.

 

And in the end, this is what I want to be able to say:

“For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing.” 2 Timothy 4:6-8

 

No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start.

It’s Time To Begin, Isn’t It?

It’s a habit for me, to stay up late at night, but at around 5 in the morning, I start to think more and more about life. And now, at this time, I think it’s time to make a bucket list. I like the idea of having one, and I’m more compelled to complete it if I have this list that I’m going through and checking things off.

 

But more than that, I start to think about life. A lot of things have been happening. I’ve not gone to work in about 4 months now, reason being that my life feels utterly meaningless while working. (Thanks Singapore.) Besides that, I’m trying to hone my skills as a musician so that I can tick something off in my bucket list. I also want to be able to soon have an actual gaming PC, and not use my MacBook Pro. Not just to game, but to stream, and possibly have an income through YouTube. (For games and music.)

 

In church, I think about how I can help change the bad cultures that are present. Like how sometimes people don’t treat others like people, but like statistics. It doesn’t feel right to think of people like numbers on an attendance sheet, especially when these people are friends of friends. Their impression will affect the friends you have, and cause a bad effect on the group as a whole.

 

I don’t like to have to mention thoughts that are sad or dark. I feel bad for creating such a heavy atmosphere all the time. But I keep trying to make sense of all that’s here.

 

I get a little bit bigger, but then, I’ll admit; I’m just the same as I was. Don’t you understand that I’m never changing who I am?

The Bridges You Burnt

I’m not the sociable kind of person. If you know me personally, you would know of times where I shy away from conversations with large groups of people. It’s almost second nature for me to separate myself to feel more comfortable. Although we should be out of comfort zones, we should not be put into our weaknesses. But that’s not what I really wamt to talk about. It’s about the people who left your life.
I made a similar blog post on Tumblr, but it feels appropriate to post my feelings here as well. For myself, I make it a point to remember all the people who have come and gone in my life. This can hurt us a lot, but it’s a nice way of treating them after the bridge is burnt.
Why do this? See, the perfect example would be my friend whom I’ve not seen in 4 years. We had the best of times together, but when she left, tere was always a memory of her I’d keep. Not an image of bitterness, but of happiness. I’d thought I may never see her again, but turns out she appeared out if the blue this year. As much as I’d rather a fairytale ending, we can’t always have that. We got into a serious argument, and she suggested burning the bridge once again. I didn’t want to be sore about it, and said sure, if that’s what she wanted and thought was best. I’d at least respect her choices before we never meet again. You’d never know when someone might form the bridge again.
But the story ended bitter, didn’t it? Yeah, and now I got a repaired bridge falling into the river below. It’s bad that a bridge gets destroyed, it’s worse when one that’s repairing catches fire. But the idea that they still live is a good thought to hold on to.
We live a short life here. People come and go, both metaphorically and literally. Treasure the people around you. Treasure the moments left by the people who left.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

For almost 19 years of my life, I’ve never seen many stars here in Singapore. But recently, things have changed. I’ve recently had the habit of looking at the night sky, and to be honest, it’s slowly paying off. Stars are showing up more and more.
And it’s the little things in life like these that keep me going. These stars do nothing for me, but they are just a sight to behold.